Four Companions
by Egwene
Summary: Each of the Marauders deals with the aftermath of the Whomping Willow Incident in his own way. How can Sirius cope when his life was detroyed? Slash SBJP suggested.
1. A Knife in the Dark

Title: Four Companions

Author: Egwene

Rating: PG-13 

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Sirius/James (what is it with this couple and angst??)

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, admirers, enemies…

Summary: Each of the Marauders deals in his own way with the aftermath of the Whomping Willow Incident.

Note: Thanks to Sophocles for the great beta job and the wonderful support when I wasn't too sure of myself.

This popped up in my head one morning and it wouldn't go away even if I already have a Whomping Willow Story planned.

Feedback much welcomed.

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Chapter 1 : A Knife in the Dark

Sirius was idly looking at his pale skin as he slashed the blade across the back of his forearm. He watched, mesmerised as a small drop of red blood appeared and ran along his flesh. 

He felt the familiar sting and relief was upon him instantly.

God, it had been too long since he had done that. He had tried to stop but he needed this too badly. The urge was too strong, the anger too intense, at himself and at what his life had become.

He had betrayed Remus' trust and James had made clear he wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He had not even looked at him when he had broken up with him.

Sirius had apologised and tried to explain, but there was nothing to explain really.

James had coldly made clear he could not go out with someone like him, someone who could betray one of them without a second thought, someone so selfish. 

He had told him that he was no better than the rest of his family.

How these words had hurt him, more than anything else could ever have.

And the truth was, he was right.

They had not been a couple for long – a few months of happiness, of carefree laughs and love. But, oh, how he loved James, and how he missed him. He missed his love and his best friend.

He knew he didn't deserve him. Even if by some miracle, James could forgive him, they couldn't be together again. The best part of his life had ended.

Remus and Peter hadn't been so virulent but they had also undoubtedly showed him how unwelcome he was.

From this moment on his life had crashed to pieces. One month later, during the Christmas holidays, his family had finally become impossible to accommodate. 

He could still feel the tingle of the Cruciatus spell his mother had cast on him the day he had left.

He had stayed in some nondescript inn somewhere in Diagon Alley for two days before returning to Hogwarts and to friends that hated him.

The worst was he probably hated himself a lot more than they ever could.

The drop of blood finally reached the table and he promptly washed it away. No way his roommates – he could not call them friends anymore – could find out about this. Not that they would care in any way, but he would be too much ashamed to admit he needed this.

He never broke too much skin, the cuts were not deep, just enough to draw blood and leave a thin, white scar for a few weeks.

Some would have believed it was some sort of self inflicted punishment, but it wasn't; it was his link to reality. 

He needed the pain so he could feel alive again, even for a few minutes, away from the fogged coldness he was walking in every day.

He needed the physical pain so he could forget for a moment the pain in his heart.

He needed this so that he would not go all the way and open his veins.

Not that death wouldn't be welcomed at this point, but that was the only thing he was still afraid of.

The final step.

The last draw.

He knew he would do it someday. That much was sure.

But not today.

Today, the blade of his pocketknife ran again across his arm as another small red drop emerged.

He needed the relief nothing else could procure him.

He needed it to alleviate the guilt that marred each breath he took. 

A salty drop joined the red one on the table.

And he continued to mark his left arm in geometric patterns as tears flowed silently, unchecked on his cheeks.

He looked at the red strips all over the back and front of his forearm, intertwined with light white ones, barely visible, remnants of last week's session.

A week. He had lasted a week.

Was it a good thing?

What was the point in delaying anyway?

He did not hear the footsteps on the stairs leading to the dorm or the door opening behind him. But he did hear James' voice.

"We have to talk, Sirius."

Sirius felt numb.

He didn't want to talk to James. He didn't want to hear again how much of a traitor he was. The relief faded away.

It was almost funny how James and his mother used the same words to describe him. 

Why did sarcasm and scarring seem to go so well together?

Maybe if he didn't acknowledge James' presence he would leave and let him be. He stayed seated at the table, the knife in his right hand, refusing to let the outside world reach him at this instant. 

He heard James call him again but he didn't answer. He sat imperturbably still.

Why didn't James go away?

The pain was almost unbearable at this point and each step his ex-boyfriend made in his direction added to it.

He would have fallen from the wooden chair and curled up on the floor in pain, but he could not move.

He was still crying, but at this point he didn't care. How could James be so cruel? To come here just to insult him! But he knew James wasn't cruel, he had every right. He deserved this and much more.

"Sirius, please." James was almost next to his chair. One last step.

Sirius put the knife down on the table, but he didn't answer.

"I love you." James put his arms around his chest from behind and hugged him awkwardly. A renewed contact after too long apart. Tears on James' face too.

Sirius sighed; he closed his eyes and let himself be hugged.

Maybe they could find a way to be together after all. Maybe he still had a chance.

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A/N: Next chapter will feature Peter's POV.


	2. The Breaking of the Fellowship

Title: Four Companions

Author: Egwene

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Sirius/James (what is it with this couple and angst??)

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, admirers, enemies…

Summary: Each Marauders deals with the aftermath of the Whomping Willow Incident on his own terms. Peter's POV.

Note: A great thank you to Sophocles who is a wonderful beta and to everybody on the SiriusxJames list for their incredible support!

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Chapter 2: The Breaking of the Fellowship

They were together again. Sirius and James. 

Peter had thought it was over for good but that bastard had found his way back into James' bed.

And now what? Were they supposed to act as if nothing had happened at all, as if Sirius had never betrayed Remus, had never betrayed them?

That was not fair.

Before they got together they were all friends, equals. They did nothing if it wasn't the four of them.

He had been important in James' eyes. But after that he had hardly seen him at all.

Everything had been destroyed because Sirius had managed to convince James that they were in love with each other.

Why did it have to be James?

He didn't care that they were gay, but Sirius should have understood that he could not have a boyfriend amongst the Marauders.

They had been equals. But since the moment they had become a couple, he had felt just like a tag along, and he had hated every minute of it.

He didn't understand James. Why had he agreed to go out with Sirius in the first place? Surely he had realised his other friends needed him too, hadn't he?

Sirius and James were best friends before, but they were still part of the group. When they became boyfriends on top of it they did almost everything just the two of them. Remus and he had been forgotten, part of the furniture of the Gryffindor common room, he guessed.

Peter had felt like he had been punished for something he had not done. He was not the one to have a boyfriend. Why did he have to suffer the consequences? 

The worst was that Remus hadn't seemed to mind.

All James had cared about was Sirius. Of course he had appreciated Peter's support on the Quidditch field or when he had showed off but he hadn't cared about him the way he had about Sirius. No, Peter was not in love with James, he did not want to be his boyfriend but he wanted some of the attention he had reserved to Sirius. In his eyes they had not mattered anymore, or anyway that was what it had looked like, what it had felt like.

Of course Remus had been furious when Sirius had told Snape about the Whomping Willow, but he had forgiven him all too quickly. He had said he knew what it felt like to be alone and deserted by those you love and he hadn't wish it upon anybody, even his worst enemy, least of all Sirius.

The good thing about all this had been James and Sirius' break up. James had been furious. He had felt betrayed, ashamed to have trusted Sirius and he had been shaken to the core.

Peter had wanted his friends back. He had wanted things the way they had been before. He had known he could not have that, but having James and Sirius estranged by some stupid mistake had been the next best thing.

James had wept. That was the first – and only – time Peter had ever seen him cry.

But after that everything had been back to normal.

Oh, they didn't talk to Sirius much, just in the Great Hall for meals or in es. But James had been doing things with them again. He took time to tell them about his life, his projects for the future, his fears of the new Dark Lord. Peter had felt like they were friends again.

They could all see that Sirius was desperate and hurt but it had seemed best to ignore it.

During the Christmas holidays he had ran away from his house. Peter didn't know why. Sirius didn't tell. He didn't ask. James and Remus didn't ask either. In fact they wouldn't even know about it if Regulus – Sirius' younger brother, third year Slytherin – hadn't bragged in front of the whole school about how he was the Heir to the Black fortune now that Sirius had been disowned.

He didn't know what his parents had done to him, Sirius had never told them much about his home, but it must have been pretty ugly to make him leave. Because, as much as he hated Sirius these days, he was a true Gryffindor and he wouldn't have left before his coming of age unless his life had become unbearable.

He deserved every minute of it.

It was almost two months since the Incident when James realised he still loved Sirius. He told them he was miserable without him and he was ready to forgive him.

Peter had tried to change his mind of course, but he hadn't succeeded.

Remus told him to do everything he could to be happy. He explained he had forgiven Sirius already and he would be glad to see them together again because they seemed so lonely and sad when apart.

He had hoped Remus would have been on his side, on the Marauders' side. But no, he had to play the part of the good understanding friend. Didn't he realise that it would destroy them again?

He should have known James would not last long, he should have seen they were going to be together again, but he had refused to see it.

He had been so happy to have James back, he hadn't wanted to dwell on how long his respite would last.

They had even planned and played a few pranks, just the three of them. Life had been normal again. 

James was with him now, in the dorm while they waited in the common room. Remus was reading, as usual, something on Dark Curses and How to Counter Them. He said they had to be prepared.

When they would climb down the stairs together, he would be forgotten again, the everlasting tag along that needed his stronger friends to survive, not the friend that they could cherish, but more likely the pebble in their shoe.

It had been so hard to watch James and Sirius together – laughing, having fun, enjoying life, not seeing him.

He did not want to do that again.

But the choice was not his to make.

James had said he had felt betrayed by Sirius. Peter felt he had been betrayed by James when he had accepted to go out with Sirius the first time, and then again when he had agreed to forgive him.

He knew he should be happy for James and Sirius, but he couldn't. Wasn't there some saying that explained how the individual must disappear in front of the greater good?

Sirius should not have been able to destroy the Marauders so easily. 

He would pay for it. Peter would see to it. Not now, he had time, but he wouldn't forget.

And he would let Sirius know who did it.

James should not have let him destroy what they had together. He would pay also.

Nothing would make him happier.

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Next chapterwill feature James' POV on the Incident.


	3. A Journey in the Dark

Title: Four Companions

Author: Egwene

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Sirius/James (what is it with this couple and angst??)

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, admirers, enemies…

Summary: Each of the Marauders deals in his own way with the aftermath of the Whomping Willow Incident. James' POV.

Note: A great thank you to Sophocles who's a wonderful beta and to everybody on the SiriusxJames list for their incredible support!

Feedback much welcomed ;-)

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Chapter 3: A Journey in the Dark

Betrayed.

He had lost more than his boyfriend that night; he had lost his best friend, his brother.

The anger had fed him like fuel for at least two weeks after the Incident.

He was angry with Sirius for putting Remus' whole existence at risk; he was angry with Sirius for his not caring about the other Marauders; he was angry with Sirius for destroying their love and happiness.

But most of all he was angry with himself because what Sirius did to him seemed so much more important in his heart – if not in his head – than what he had done to Remus.

He cared about Remus – a lot. And he felt guilty because he could not help being more furious about Sirius betraying him and their relationship than his revealing Remus' secret.

The anger was good; it had helped him putting his love aside.

He had bonded more with Peter and Remus.

Peter was a great guy and he was glad to spend more time with him. He had to admit he had neglected him a little when he had spent all his free time with his boyfriend.

But all good things have to end, and after a few weeks, the anger had faded away.

It became harder and harder not to notice the hurt and desperate look that had taken permanent residence on Sirius' face

The barely talked. Civilities were exchanged in classrooms or at breakfast when Sirius did show up.

They would not be friends again. Being boyfriends was something unconceivable now.

But his love for Sirius was still there, chaining his heart to the other Gryffindor.

It hurt to watch him suffer from isolation day after day, and it hurt even more to think it was partly his fault.

James wanted to forgive his best friend  for his treason; he wanted nothing more in the world, but he could not do it.

He kept wondering what could happen if he forgave him.

Would they stay friends? Would they start dating again? Would Sirius crush his newly mended heart again at the first occasion?

For some reason the doubts were too strong to allow him to forget and move on.

Why was he not able to forgive him?

Why was it so hard to push away a simple mistake?

He was sure Sirius had meant no harm – well, not to them anyway – so why could he not put it past him and get his best friend back?

He knew he should talk about it with Sirius, he knew it would help him resolve issues, but it was too hard.

He was afraid he would not be able to remain calm through the conversation and would tell things he would regret bitterly later.

Part of his brain acknowledged that the situation could not get worse than it was already, but it was a small, insignificant, not-listened-to part.

He still didn't know what exactly had happened that fateful night. Sirius had tried to explain, but James had not listened to him. He had dismissed everything he could have said as lies and deception.

He had been cold and detached when he had broken up with his boyfriend of three months, and he wondered how he had managed it, considering the inner turmoil that had been ravaging him at that moment.

He rose from his chair in the common room.

It was time.

The doubts were getting weaker and weaker and he wanted so much to be with Sirius again, even if they were nothing more than friends.

He looked at Remus and Peter. They nodded. All was said.

He climbed the stairs to the seventh year dorm where Sirius usually was when the others were in the common room. He always retreated behind the curtains of his bed before they came back each night.

Step after step, he let his mind wander as he recalled his shock when they had learned from Regulus Black that Sirius had been disowned during the holidays. Apparently he had run away from home and never intended to go back.

James had been very worried at first.

What could have pushed Sirius to leave his house before his 17th birthday?

Then he was angry that Sirius had not told him, just before he remembered they were nothing more than strangers these days, and Sirius had no reason to tell him anything, even less personal things.

He was still worried. Where would Sirius stay during the summer holidays? Surely he didn't have enough money to rent a room in an inn for two months. And even if by some miracle he had some money, he didn't have the right to get a place of his own. He wouldn't turn seventeen until next November.

They hadn't asked about it. He hadn't asked about it.

That was the first time he had realised he could indeed forgive Sirius and maybe there was still a chance – even infinitesimal – for them to rebuilt their relationship.

A few weeks after that revelation, he had asked for his friends' advice.

Peter had been very vehement of the fact that he would never be able to trust Sirius fully ever again, and had asked what the point was to love without trust.

Remus, on the other hand, had been surprisingly sympathetic. He had admitted he had forgiven Sirius a long time ago in his heart. He had not said anything yet because he had felt that James was not ready.

He had told him how he had watched each of them be miserable without the other.

He stopped at the last step, a few inches away from the door.

It was closed, but not locked. He took a deep breath and pushed it open.

Sirius was sitting at a table in the dark, his back to the door. Nothing in his attitude indicated he had heard James enter.

James made a few more steps inside the room and stopped.

"We have to talk, Sirius."

Sirius did not answer. He was crying.

James' heart shattered. He called again.

It had been a stupid mistake. He didn't need to try so hard. It was already forgiven.

When he realised Sirius was not going to answer, he moved on, lighter and happier than he had been in the last two months.

He stopped again, just before reaching his friend.

"Sirius, please."

Sirius did not move; he held something shiny in his right hand. It was difficult to see in the dark room.

A knife.

James felt the knot in his stomach tighten.

Surely Sirius was not considering suicide, was he?

The knife was dropped when he closed in the distance that separated them.

He did not think about it, and hugged his friend from behind. It was awkward but it was a form of contact.

Sirius flinched and stiffened.

"I love you."

The simple truth.

James felt Sirius soften in his arms. He was crying too.

He looked and saw the horrible red slashes across Sirius' left forearm and hold him tighter. His heart clenched in his chest.

They would find a way to make everything all right again. They had to.

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A/N: the last chapter will feature Remus' POV of course ;-)


	4. The Houses of Healing

Title: Four Companions

Author: Egwene

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Sirius/James (what is it with this couple and angst??)

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, admirers, enemies…

Summary: Each of the Marauders deals in his own way with the aftermath of the Whomping Willow Incident. Remus' POV.

Note: A great thank you to Sophocles who's a wonderful beta and to everybody on the SiriusxJames list for their incredible support!

Feedback much welcomed.

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Chapter 4: The Houses of Healing

Remus was sitting comfortably in a chair in the Gryffindor common room reading a book. Or rather, he was pretending to read a book. Instead he was watching James fidgeting on a chair in front of him.

Earlier that month they had discussed whether or not James should talk to Sirius and try to make up with him. Remus had told James he should do what felt right within his heart.

James stood up, looked at him, and headed towards the stairs.

Remus smiled. He was happy for his friends.

He knew things would take time to be right again between James and Sirius and even more between the four of them. But he also knew they would do anything to straighten things out so they could be comfortable around each other again.

It had taken him a long time to forgive Sirius.

At first he had believed Sirius had used him to get back at Snape. What could be more effective to frighten your worst enemy than to set up an encounter with a werewolf on a full moon night, in a deserted, isolated house? Nothing.

He had been angry with Sirius for using him, and with himself for letting a friend use him like that.

He had felt betrayed, less than James of course, but still, how could Sirius so willingly destroy a friendship of six years?

He had felt ashamed too, that he had so completely trusted Sirius, that he had never foreseen this would happen.

Last but not least, he had been worried, worried that Sirius would tell everybody about him. After all, he had told Snape, of all people, so what could prevent him from telling the whole school?

He had felt so vulnerable, so exposed, and he had hated it.

Of course, he had seen the dejected look Sirius had been wearing on his face since that night, but he had figured Sirius was sorry his little prank had gone wrong and that Snape was still alive.

He felt he should have known better. What could a Black know about friendship and loyalty anyway?

Sirius obviously pretended to be apologetic to regain their trust. It would not work.

He had even tried to explain but Remus had cut him short. He had told him he wanted him out of his sight and Sirius had complied without another word.

After a while, the doubts and insecurities had become too much and he had gone to talk to Sirius.

He had to know why. At first he had been blinded by anger, rage, shame, doubt, but he needed to forget.

Sirius had agreed to talk to him. They had met in the empty dorm one afternoon.

The conversation had been uncomfortable at best, and not at all what Remus had been expecting.

Sirius had apologised. He had admitted it had been a prank gone wrong but in no way had he intended for Snape to meet Moony. He hated Snape, but he didn't want to see him die.

After a few rough weeks where Snape had never left Sirius alone, he had cracked and explained how and when to go to the Shack. It was a full moon night, but at the time he had told Snape to be there, they should all have been gone. He had intended to be the only one in the house, in his animagus form, to greet Snape and give him the fright of his life.

Unfortunately Sirius had been delayed on an unexpected detention with McGonagall. He had not changed his plans because he had believed James and Peter would be on time and all three would leave the Shack long before Snape's arrival.

Unbeknownst to him James had gotten a detention with the Potion Master and Peter had been waiting for his friends in the dorm because he knew he was no match for Moony on his own.

At nine o'clock James had called Sirius on the two-way mirror and had asked when he would be finished. Sirius had been very surprised when he had realised Prongs and Wormtail were not with Moony. He had immediately told James what he had done and urged him to go to the Shack and try to save Snape from confronting a full-grown, lonely werewolf.

He had tried to talk McGonagall into letting him go, saying his friends were in trouble, but she had not believed him and he had had to stay until he had finished the three-meter essay. He had not discovered the events of the night until he had been released at eleven; his lack of concentration had not allowed him to finish the essay sooner.

Remus had let Sirius explain, listening avidly, interrupting when he didn't understand. And Sirius had talked; he had not stopped before the end, not even to wipe the few tears that had escaped his eyes as he had told again and again how sorry he was.

At last, Remus had been able to forgive him. Sirius was still his friend, and it had been a stupid mistake; Sirius had not planned to use him and his secret was safe. He was quite sure the other boy would not do anything so stupid in the near future.

He had not said this to Sirius because he had felt they should all forgive him at the same time, or at least himself and James, and he had been sure James was not ready to do that yet.

He had considered telling James the truth about the prank because in his haste Sirius had not told him why he had led Snape to the Whomping Willow, but he had promised Sirius their conversation would remain strictly between the two of them.

So he had watched his two friends suffer apart, just as he had watched Peter rejoice.

He did not understand Peter. Remus knew he had felt abandoned when James and Sirius had become boyfriends, but surely he was happy that his two friends had found each other, wasn't he? He wasn't sure about it; Peter had tried to convince James not to go and talk to Sirius.

Remus sighed and put the book down on the table in front of him. So far he had not heard any yelling from upstairs and neither James nor Sirius had run down crying. It had to be a good sign.

Remus was worried about Sirius.

He looked more and more depressed each day, and Remus was afraid of what he could do if pushed too far.

He had not talked to Sirius after he had explained about the prank because he had not wanted to push James, and in truth, he had still needed time to accept the fact that he had almost killed Snape and James. He had stopped being openly angry with Sirius though, and he hoped it had been enough to show Sirius he wasn't mad at him anymore.

When they had learnt that Sirius had run away and had been disowned, his worry had increased, but Sirius hadn't looked or acted differently, so he had supposed the other boy did not care what a family he hated above all could do or say to him.

Remus looked at his watch; they had been talking – or rather he hoped they were talking – for two hours. The common room had started to empty for the night.

His book lay forgotten on the table.

He looked at Peter, and could see that he too was wondering about the late hour.

Then he heard a stair crack, and he saw his two friends coming down. They were smiling shyly. Red ridges around their eyes suggested they had been both crying.

Remus smiled back; they were holding hands.

Finally, there was a chance for healing.

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A/N: this is it. I finished it! I know I leave a few issues unresolved but then I may be convinced to write a sequel or a companion story of some sort… what do you think?

Thanks to **Karliya Malfoy** and **Violetangel07** for their kind reviews. I did steal the chapter titles for Mr. Tolkien, the first three from FotR and the last from RotK. I didn't intend to at first, but "A knife in the dark" is one of my favourite chapters and it seemed to fit so well… the other ones became obvious at that point  =D


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